


If I'd Known.

by Kieran (Ameenjouee)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi and Bokuto are the ones texting Tsukki btw, Angst?, RP based, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13734780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameenjouee/pseuds/Kieran
Summary: A lot changes in a year.“I’m not who I was one year ago, and maybe, just this once, change is good.”





	If I'd Known.

**Author's Note:**

> bold italics = actual messages sent in the Gym 3 channel on discord for haikyuu-discord-rp.tumblr.com back in January, during a huge fallout between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.   
> That's what this was based on, and I finally got it to where I was happy with it.

There’s a lot of growth and change that happens in the span of a year - Tsukishima Kei was all too familiar with that fact. 

This wasn’t the first time he’d ever experienced it. 

He doubted it’d be the last either. 

He just never expected anything to change when it came to Yamaguchi and himself. 

They’d never really fought - they were both level-headed enough to give themselves an hour, two at most, to calm down and talk things out rationally.

Of course, that was changing too rapidly for Tsukishima to understand. Things had been fine, they’d been content, happy even. 

And then somewhere, everything went down in flames, leaving both of them lost in the aftermath of the lives they had known without even seeing the change coming. 

And maybe that’s why, when they got into a disagreement over Yamaguchi not wanting to help himself, start feeling better instead of letting a small hiccup affect him so much, Tsukishima fired back with the exact words he knew would escalate it into a fight. 

_Pathetic._

He’d never called Yamaguchi pathetic before. He’d never dreamed he ever would, either. 

But now that the word was sent, out in the air, too late to delete it before it was seen, there was nothing he could do but deal with the aftermath. 

Funny how a word he’d used against the people who had been bullying Yamaguchi all those years ago was the one that led to their destruction, in the long run. 

The same exact word that he’d used towards _himself_  in fifth grade while he was staring at his brother from across a volleyball court was now going towards the person who had helped him through all of it. 

He hadn’t meant it. 

And he knew that.

But Yamaguchi probably didn’t. 

Especially if the way their argument cut off abruptly with Yamaguchi refusing to answer him further not long after that said anything. 

* * *

A year ago, Tsukishima would have told you point-blank that nothing was ever going to change between himself and his best friend. 

They were  _fine_ , had a working system to handle anything the rest of the world could throw at them. 

And now, a year later, he found himself curled into himself in his brother’s apartment in Sendai, trying desperately to understand how he was supposed to be feeling, how not to completely shatter. 

He hadn’t been talking to Akiteru again for more than a month, maybe a month and a half at most. 

But he’d let him in regardless, and hadn’t asked any questions when the younger’s phone kept going off, getting responses, but nothing breaking the emotionless mask that was ever so flawed still. 

 _Are you okay?_  was never asked. They both knew he wasn’t. 

A year. 

In a single year, everything had dissolved into flames, leaving him seeking out the only person who had ever felt the same that he knew that had lived through it and come out just as strong as ever. 

He didn’t know how to handle the idea of losing Yamaguchi forever. 

The fact that the chat he was in with the other Gym 3 members was lit up with concern and advice didn’t escape Akiteru’s notice when he threw his own hoodie at Tsukishima, but it wasn’t mentioned. 

Give him time.

But how much?

How much time could pass before he truly did lose him forever, even with the ideas he had to apologize that he’d nearly gotten to start before everything really came apart. 

It took an hour, and gentle words and reminders from the others, before he let himself break down at the thought that he’d probably just lost his best friend. 

**_If he’s happy, then maybe it’s for the best._ **

He didn’t care that he got berated by Akaashi for that comment, he really believed it. 

**_Being alone makes no one happy._ **

As if he didn’t know that. But Yamaguchi wouldn’t be  _alone_ , he was the kind of person that could get along with anyone. 

_**People make mistakes.** _

_**I guess I just don’t see why this one slip up was so super bad???** _

And maybe it wasn’t, to anyone else. To anyone who didn’t know their history, didn’t know how they worked, didn’t know their tells. 

_**It’s what I deserve** _

He was exhausted. It was only noon, but he was literally exhausted.

He blamed it on the emotions, on the surprising lack of sleep he’d been getting, on his own fuck ups. 

Akiteru didn’t say a word when the tears finally fell, or when Tsukishima finally relented and put the hoodie on, curling into it and burying his face into the familiar-smelling fabric while his phone sat facing down beside him. 

There weren’t any questions. 

They both knew the only person who could cause this kind of meltdown in Kei was Yamaguchi. 

There wasn’t an easy way to deal with this. 

* * *

In the space of a single year, Tsukishima had lived through literal hell. 

Decisions he wasn’t prepared to make, new friends that he honestly didn’t feel he deserved, and the end of everything he’d known since childhood. 

He wasn’t the same person - he wasn’t as apathetic, as closed off, as vicious as he was at the start of the year. 

He’d grown soft over the course of it, at least, softer than he was. 

Concerned, mature enough to handle conflict without furthering it on good days and at least able to apologize after the bad ones. 

He had changed, and maybe that was for the best. 

He just hoped that with those changes, he started feeling okay again in a way he hadn’t in years. 


End file.
